A few weekends ago I found myself driving behind schedule to the East Coast of Florida to take on a huge schedule of social and faith-based activities. One of those included a "Sayonara Party" being hosted by my friend Kate from high school to celebrate her upcoming trip to Japan. The party was Japanese-themed and folks were encouraged to dress up. Talking with my mom on my drive over the day before the party, I realized I had run out of time to gather any dress-up materials and wasn't going to have any time or resources with my super tight schedule. I was a bit bummed until we came up with the idea, "Let the girls dress me up!" -- the girls, being my 9-year-old nieces Ariahna and Kendra.

After a pretty hectic visit at my brother's, I realized I was now running late for the party. I thought we'd probably run out of time but when I proposed to the girls they might dress me up as a geisha, the energy exploded and I was swept up in a whirlwind of delightful talent and creativity in action. In an amazingly short span of time, they gathered together the perfect materials and had me whipped together, white face (baby powder) and all. I just did the eye and lip make-up.

Pictured here are the two gifted costume designers of my Geisha party experience.

This brings home to me a few ABCD principles-- when you think you're deficient, you're usually not. I had apparently no time, no energy to spend on thinking this thing up, and no dress-up materials. But when I looked around (with Mom's help) and invited the gifts of others into the picture, I learned I actually have abundance.

The other main principle is that getting creative about finding gifts in others builds equality and creates that intangible richness that is relationships built upon mutual appreciation and shared creation. I actually have a lot of trouble knowing how to connect with my nieces, and often feel like I'm torturing them over the phone when I try to 'go deeper' by asking what they're up to, how they like school, etc. When I needed them, everything changed. It was genuine and it had none of the ickiness I have come to associate with token 'engagement' of youth that's based on the assumption that adults have more to teach and give to children than children do to adults. My first 'aha' on this theme came when I heard John McKnight's story of watching a relative of his get more and more frustrated with her daughter constantly 'bugging' her to let her do something in the kitchen. The girl wanted to help, but the mother was too occupied trying to get it done herself. "Can I help you mix?" No. "Can I help with that?" No.

This, I feel, is a trap we fall into so easily and is a core barrier to really making headway on what people like to call the 'youth problem.'

[In this vein - I very much like this video http://www.ted.com/talks/adora_svitak.html ]


Incidentally, I didn't win the costume contest, but I'm convinced it's just because I didn't stay until the end of the party. And having failed to report to them this fact, I received a very pointed phone message a couple days after my return--"Auntie April, this is Ariahna. We want to know: Did you win the contest? And if you did, what was the prize? And if you didn't, who did win, and what were THEY wearing?"


In my work it's always a big challenge to get this point about seeing youth differently--as needed contributors and equals--fully across. So often youth "engagement" ends at asking youth "what they want." The problem is, this line of questioning by itself ends up with youth as consumers, unless there's the added questions like, "what do you want to do to make that happen?" In my personal life it's also not easy to shift out of the adult-doer, child-receiver mode... until I'm up against a wall like i was that weekend!

I'm curious about how others relate to this...

Where have you found or built spaces where adults and youth can come together as co-producers, or kids can take the lead as main "doers"?

What stories stand out for you in your personal life or work experience?

What else does this make you think of?