Published originally on my website Leading Differently: useful explorations for people who want to change the world.http://leadingdifferently.com

What people often mean by getting rid of conflict is getting rid of diversity, and it is of utmost importance that these should not be considered the same. We may wish to abolish conflict, but we cannot get rid of diversityFear of difference is fear of life itself. Mary Parker Follett

We experience conflict every day. Every time you make a decision you are to some degree, resolving conflict. For people organizing to create change, conflict sometimes needs to be resolved between allies, and of course, always needs to be addressed with adversaries.

Rather than survey the mountain of literature available on the topic of conflict resolution, lets focus for now on two things. First, well explore Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmanns, Five Modes for Handling Conflict, and think about how they might relate to leadership. Secondly, well address the notion that conflict this thing that wed all just like to go away, actually has numerous benefits that can help to develop other areas of our capacity to lead.

Five Modes for Handling Conflict (Thomas-Kilmann)

Chart source: An Overview of the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument, http://www.kilmanndiagnostics.com/overview-thomas-kilmann-conflict-mode-instrument-tki

According to Thomas and Kilmann, our behavior in conflict situations focuses on two dimensions: 1) assertiveness (Whats in it for me and how do I get it?); and 2) cooperativeness (How can I satisfy others concerns?). Leadership means having to constantly balance these dimensions in order to move closer to your desired outcomes.

Competing Everyone uses all five of these modes of conflict resolution. More often than not, however, competing gets the most attention. When you are trying to make specific changes in the world, a zero-sum orientation is often where you find yourself. A referendum passes or fails. A candidate wins or loses. The key for leaders is not to let this single-mindedness spill over into every interaction, because the next success might depend on collaboration with one of your winner-take-all victims.

Avoiding dodging conflict for the sake of appearing neutral can have a similar outcome to any aversion to risk no pain, no gain. Removing yourself from a situation could mean not benefitting from the gains resulting from the successful resolution of the conflict. Leaders should to at least some degree, embrace conflict rather than avoid it.

Accommodating allowing an unchallenged win in an effort to not rock the boat is a situational judgment call. What is the return on the investment of this good will? One warning, accommodation is also where a lot of ethically questionable behavior resides like spinning something to make yourself look good, and the other party feel good,( lets let them think that theyve won this, meanwhile were sticking it to them over here).

Compromising This is what used to happen in politics. People agreed to something that was tolerable to all parties, and maintained some sort of reasonable working relationship. Granted, compromise usually ends up in only baby steps forward, but small steps ahead are better and no progress at all, or backwards movement.

Collaborating This is the elusive win-win situation. The value in collaborating lies in capitalizing on diversity diversity of ideas, of approach, of notions of success.

Conflict Can Have Benefits

Try to look at conflict beyond simply being something that you want to go away quickly. You might see that it has some benefits. Here are some of them:

• Conflict checks our complacency and self-satisfaction simply by making us aware that problems exist.
• Conflict reveals diverse perspectives, getting beyond an either/or worldview, challenging our assumptions and leading to more comprehensive solutions.
• Conflict resolution requires you to tap into your creativity. You learn about yourself, and about others, leading to greater emotional intelligence.
• The process of resolving conflict often opens up new communication avenues and processes. In fact, lack of communication is often the source of conflict.
• Successful conflict resolution can build trust. When people feel heard, and when their opinions are recognized and validated, the fair treatment they received makes them more likely to come forward in the future, before conflicts have an opportunity to fester.